Tonight's Edition Of 'WWE SmackDown' Is In The Books

The lowdown from Fresno's Save Mart Center at Fresno State:

- Batista defeated Deuce (accompanied by Domino, who had no fear about getting involved, and Cherry). Didn't do much for me, one way or the other, but Batista ended up running Deuce (on the apron) into his partner, hitting a 'Batista Bomb,' and scoring the pin.

- Some guy interviewed Jamie Noble, who said everyone's laughing at him, because Hornswoggle pinned him, and he's about to get his revenge by winning the Cruiserweight title.

- Michelle McCool loves swimming. Yeah, it's definitely better than, oh, I don't know, eating.

- Hornswoggle, of course, ended up defeating Noble (by count-out), so he's still Cruiserweight champ. This was full of "comedy," like, when Horny alternated being in and hiding under the ring, when Horny stomped on Noble's feet, and when Horny used a "big folks'" moves. Noble was chasing Horny around the ring, and at the last second, Horny scooted in, leaving Noble on the floor with only a handful of shoe. Yep, funny as balls.

- Rey Mysterio is apparently about to return. In building up Mysterio's feud with Chavo Guerrero, Michael Cole and JBL were forced to just blatantly ignore the "loser-leaves" stips of last year's '"I-Quit" Match.'

- Speaking of Chavo, he defeated Eugene, but not quickly enough for me. 'Frogsplash,' pin, no one cared. Next.

- Ric Flair and Matt Hardy ('Woooing' along the way) were seen heading to the ring.

- Jesse & Festus love America, and are coming. Well, they're cooler than Mr. Kennedy and MVP.

- Speaking of, Flair & Hardy defeated Chris Masters & MVP. This sounds familiar, but it didn't do much for me, one way or the other. Masters took a 'Twist-of-Fate,' allowing Hardy to pin him. MVP decided not to save his partner, and after the bout, bragged about already having defeated Flair and Hardy. Hardy challenged MVP to once again put his US title on the line. MVP refused, so Hardy vowed to earn another shot.

- Chuck Palumbo likes bikes.

- Believe this, or not, Mark Henry fustigated Joey Blaylock. Blaylock ended up passing out from Henry's bearhug. After the bout, Henry said some menacing stuff, then used an overhead press to eject Blaylock from the ring.

- In the wake of the 'Jackass' crew pulling out of 'SummerSlam,' WWE's finally come up with a video to promote the show. It's four-weeks away, you know?

- Theodore Long, Vickie(s) Guerrero(s), and Kristal Marshall were thrilled to see Ron Simmons. Long asked Simmons to be his best man. I forget what Simmons said.

- Edge recently had some surgery, which he'll soon recover from, because he's the fucking man! Edge said it best: "Go to hell." I'm not directing that at anyone in particular, it's just for all of you.

- Kane (who had the nerve to injure Edge) defeated Dave Taylor. Still not sure why Taylor wears John Tenta's old singlet. Chokeslam, pin.

- Jimmy Wang Yang was approached by Torrie Wilson, who was so excited about their upcoming match, she dressed as a hick. Wilson's wardrobe earned a, "Yee-haw," from Yang.

- Yang & Wilson defeated Kenny Dykstra & Victoria. I don't know what it is, but Dykstra (Didn't he used to be cool?) somehow looks taller. Anyway, Yang caught Dykstra with a Moonsault block, then scored the pin.

- The Great Khali treated us to a lavish celebration, in honor of Khali's championship win. He cut a long promo, and I was erect! Batista decided to interrupt, which was okay with me, because Khali had already finished talking. Batista wanted a title show, but his request was denied, so he went on the attack and cleared the ring.

I had to record Scott Baio's new show for this?!