Tonight's Episode Of 'WWE RAW' Is In The Books
The lowdown from Sacramento's ARCO Arena:
- Jonathan Coachman bragged about how, thanx to him, the 'Great American Bash' was a major success. If he says so. Coachman said, with 'SummerSlam' on the way, a new number-one-contender needed to be made, so he'd be keeping his eyes open. He then talked about tonight's main event, the 'Champions-Only Match.'
- King Booker and Queen Sharmell came to the ring, which (on one side) was elaborately decorated with a throne, a goblet, and an elegant feast of fruit. On the other side, was a coffee mug and donut. Booker summoned Jerome Lawler, so the two could state their cases for being WWE's true "King." Lawler's microphone didn't work, so this segment was solely carried by Booker. Booker even insulted the Sacramento Kings, whatever they are, saying they should be the Sacramento Peasants. I think Triple H was also mentioned in there. Lawler was eventually allowed to respond (damn), saying the people don't want Booker to be their king, and thought he was (among other things) a pain in the arse. Speak for yourself, Jerome. Booker and Jerome ended up going nose-to-nose, and Lawler (being from Memphis) decided to cheap shot my king, sending him from the ring. An angry Booker vowed revenge on "Jerry."
- We saw Beth Phoenix and Melina on their way to the ring, where they will wrestle someone.
- Phoenix & Melina defeated Mickie James & Maria. Santino Marella accompanied Maria to the ring, then sat down with Jim Ross and Lawler. Hey, just be glad you've still got a job, pal. Melina, in particular, took a couple of good bumps, which were pretty much the highlight of the entire segment. Well, unless you're Marella, then, it's the pleasure of being all over Maria. Marella ended up interfering, tripping Phoenix and Melina. That allowed Maria to hit Melina with a bulldog and score the pin.
- Gerald Brisco was giving advice to Cody Rhodes, when Randy Orton came onto the scene. Rhodes seems to think Orton is afraid of something. Yeah, maybe damage to his face, but not anyone in your family, punk. Orton tried to let the little dick out of their match, but you know how little dicks can be. Well, I don't, but I've heard.
- Snitsky likes to hurt people. Oh, and he feels no remorse. Good for him.
- Todd Grisham wanted John Cena's thoughts on tonight's main event. Cena's so colorless, he even bored me to tears while describing Candice Michelle's beauty. Cena still ain't worried about nothing, he's ready for any challenge, etc., etc., etc.
- William Regal & Carlito defeated Jim Duggan & The Sandman. What a waste of talent (Regal and Carlito) and space on the roster (Duggan and Sandman). Coachman, as promised, was seen looking on. Yes, plenty of number-one-contender types involved in this one. Well, at least I got to see Carlito hit his back-cracker (on Duggan, whom he then pinned).
- Carlito was quite happy with his earlier performance, so he took a bite out of his apple. In looking for a place to spit, he accidentally hit Bobby Lashley (who just happened to be walking by). Carlito immediately ran to the ring, so he could publicly apologize for what happened. Lashley, however, didn't accept, so he and his shitty new music joined Carlito, who attacked first and tried to escape. Lashley pretty much made sure that plan failed.
- Orton defeated David Flair ... I mean, Cody Rhodes. Orton (earning his share of support on the way) spent the majority of the time playing with Rhodes, while Rhodes spent the majority of the time sucking. 'RKO' and pin. Orton wanted to punt Rhodes' head, but some fat, stupid-looking guy made the save. Orton, however, went ahead and punted the head of said fat, stupid-looking guy. It's fun to kick things. Several referees made the save (damn), so various medical personnel could bring out a (reinforced) stretcher. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your number-one-contender and next WWE champion!
- During the break, Rhodes nearly cried, as they loaded that guy onto the stretcher. Ross and Lawler promised us updates on whomever that was.
- I was having such a good time, when Mr. ("Birth that baby for you, Mrs. McMahon-Levesque?") Kennedy came out for his match (against Jeff Hardy). Kennedy said something, and if you wanna know what it was, too fucking bad. Hardy appeared to purposely blow a split-legged moonsault, which looked to nearly cripple his ass, but he was actually fine. They ended up on the floor, where Hardy beat the ref's count to earn a victory. I've heard it was a good match, but I'm so disgusted by Kennedy's gimmick, I didn't notice.
- Moments ago (during Kennedy's ring introduction), Rhodes, Duggan and Arn Anderson were among those accompanying the fat, stupid-looking guy to the ambulance. Rhodes even joined the guy on his ride to the hospital. What a courteous (but dorky) young man.
- In an update from last night, Triple H is still slated to return at 'SummerSlam.' He's a lot like that wife of his, in that I don't really care.
- The World's Greatest Tag Team defeated Paul London & Brian Kendrick. I could barely keep up with the action! Kendrick ended up whiffing a plancha (ouch), allowing TWGTT to catch London with that rope-straddle thingy they do. Charlie Haas immediately nailed London with a captured German suplex and scored the pin. Gotta learn to keep that trap of yours shut, London.
- Booker and Sharmell again made their royal presence felt, saying, on next week's program, Book would be kicking Lawler's ass (or something along those lines).
- Grisham asked Coachman for an inside track on the new number-one-contender. Coach first wanted to inform that person and was on his way. Candice (Did she have that black eye before tonight?) appeared, hoping Coach would reconsider tonight's main event, but he refused.
- Speaking of tonight's main event, we saw Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch & Umaga making their way to the ring.
- ''Champions-Only Match': Cena & Candice defeated Cade, Murdoch & Umaga. As if the odds weren't stacked enough against Cena, no-disqualification stipulations were added. It didn't really work, as he still had his share of both supporters and detractors. The heels had Candice set up for Umaga's ass thing, but Hardy returned to destroy a chair on Umaga. As Candice and Umaga (with Hardy in tow) fled, Cena managed to hit Murdoch with an 'FU' and score the pin. No sooner did that happen, then Orton snuck into the ring to nail the WWE champion with an 'RKO.' Coachman then announced Orton as the new number-one-contender. Orton fucking rulz! PS: I'm crushin' on Cade's new haircut.
Even some of the non-Orton stuff was entertaining, but we all know what the people came to see!