Tonight's Episode Of 'WWE RAW' Is In The Books

The lowdown from Tucson, Arizona's Tucson Convention Center:

- John Cena went to the ring and said some stuff. Carlito, thankfully, interrupted Cena, to inform Cena he was the first guest on the "new and improved" Carlito's Cabana. Carlito wanted to brag about his US title victory over Cena, but Cena talked about (via hip references, which I'm not cool enough to understand) long ago that was. To make a long, boring story short, the segment saw Carlito (speaking of short and boring) and Mr. Kennedy argue over which of them should really be the number-one contender. Cena awkwardly ended up asking Kennedy to challenge Bobby Lashley, even though his name was never brought up (or, if it was, I didn't hear it). Cena ended by challenging Carlito. Cena, by the way, seemed to have very few detractors in this crowd. Guess being from Arizona will do that to a person.

- Beth Phoenix, Jillian Hall & Melina defeated Candice Michelle, Mickie James & Maria (accompanied by Santino Marella). Marella's got a great gig, if you can get it. Not sure why, but Jim Ross twice referred to Hall as Phoenix. Hall hoisted Maria, allowing Melina to drive Maria's face into the mat and get back last week's win by scoring the pin.

- Some important-looking guy's coming back at 'SummerSlam.'

- An upset Marella chastised (to chants of, "What?!") referee Jack Doan (Chad Patton, someone) for what happened to his beautiful Maria, so Umaga came down to shut Marella's mouth. Doan called for the bell, and it took all of about one-minute for Umaga to hit the 'Samoan Spike' and score the pin. Back to OVW wit' ya, Santino.

- Todd Grisham interviewed King Booker and Queen Sharmell. Booker vowed to end Jerome Lawler's reign, and he was also going to be sending a message to Triple H, should he return. Don't worry, Book, because I don't think Trips has got the guts.

- Jonathan Coachman was on his cell phone, when Cody Rhodes (with a legitimate black eye) knocked at his door. Coach wanted to rub in what Randy Orton did to Dusty Rhodes on last week's show. Can't say as I blame him. Coach said Cody would no longer wrestle for WWE, were he to touch Orton. Coach then said Cody had to later wrestle, and if he lost, he was fired. So, if Cody loses (yeah, right), gets fired, and then puts his hands on Orton, what happens to him?

- Grisham interviewed Orton, who said he's having a hard time finding opponents, and vowed to (again) win the WWE title at 'SummerSlan.' Some old, fat guy in military fatigues offered to be the next to get his ass kicked by Orton.

- Daivari was in the ring, I think, to speak about being living proof of how well WWE's Wellness Policy works. Cody Rhodes, Daivari's opponent, interrupted, eventually hit a DDT, then scored the pin. Never noticed Cody's nose ring, but then I don't like directly looking at the lad.

- We saw Lashley making his way to the ring.

- Kennedy defeated Lashley. What in the fuck?! Believe this, or not, Lashely's entrance interrupted Kennedy's pre-match shtick. How original. Speaking of Lashley's entrance, his new music sucks. I may have forgotten to mention that. Kennedy was given far too much offense (and actually had three or four fans, which was equally disturbing) and managed to "injure" Lashley's shoulder, which led to the finish. Lashley went for a spear, but Kennedy drove a knee into Lashley's shoulder, then scored the pin. What in the fuck?!

- Snitsky said some menacing stuff.

- During the break Lawler and some referees helped Lashley back to the locker room.

- Lawler earned a disqualification win over King Booker (accompanied by Queen Sharmell). Of course, just before the bout, we were reminded of HHH's return. Lawler (who had somehow obtained a small cut on his chin) thought he had scored a three-count, but Booker had managed to get his foot on the rope. Booker went on to not let Lawler out of the corner, prompting the decision. What a rip-off! It was funny to hear Ross say Lawler had outwrestled Booker, when neither man used almost nothing more substantial than a fist. Booker rightfully believed he'd proven himself to be the true king, so a jealous Lawler attacked Booker on the ramp, until referees made the save.

- Cryme Tyme (yes, they're still here) defeated John Mason & Brandon Dentson. 'G9,' quick pin (by JTG) on Gadsden. After the match, Shad had a kiss (on the cheek) for Lilian Garcia, then he and JTG held an impromptu auction for Gadsden's boots, which they were kind enough to autograph. Said boots sold for forty-dollars.

- Orton was seen making his way to the ring.

- Orton fustigated Sgt. Slaughter. I don't remember much about Slaughter, so he can't be anywhere near the caliber of star Orton is. Just before this bout began, Lawler rejoined Ross. 'RKO,' pin, kick to the head. That'll teach Slaughter to lock in that illegal chokehold of his. The usual scenario (officials, EMTs, and the doctor placing the old guy on a stretcher) then unfolded (continuing a busy night for the refs). Orton sure knows how to have a good time.

- Orton stuck around for tonight's (non-title) main event, which saw Carlito defeat Cena. Orton ended up getting involved, allowing Carlito to hit a back-cracker and score the pin. Even better, Cena took a face full of apple bits! This scenario, of course, led to tonight's post-taping match between Cena and Orton.

What a show! Well, some of it, anyway. The rest was okay.