'Saturday Night's Main Event' Is In The Books

The lowdown from (the sold-out) Madison Square Garden:

- Mr. McMahon and Jonathan Coachman are still going on about this illegitimate kid shit. Coach thinks he'll have an answer by night's end. Yeah, right. Oh, and even Coach could be McMahon's son.

- Ring announcers were Justin Roberts ('SmackDown' & 'ECW') and Lilian Garcia ('RAW'). Broadcast team was Michael Cole and JBL, Jim Ross, and (for the final match) Tazz. Sound-sweetening was so eighties. They did, however, do one hell of a job with the set, as far as differentiating it from that of 'RAW.'

- Batista & Kane defeated The Great Khali (accompanied by translator dude) & Finlay. Finlay was in most of the way, and was bumping his ass off, so it was fine. Hornswoggle tried getting involved, but ended up being used as a battering ram on both heels. Khali took a double-chokeslam, which he sold for all of five-seconds. Finlay fell victim to a 'Batista Bomb' and was pinned.

- McMahon saw himself in a mirror, only the visage was twenty-plus-years-old, when McMahon wore those cheesy powder-blue suits and had an even cheesier haircut. McMahon and Coachman left, allowing Ron Simmons to saunter by, look in the mirror, and say something. Do people really enjoy this crap?

- Evander Holyfield and MVP exchanged pleasantries.

- Despite what Coachman thought, Eugene, Melina, and Steve Austin cannot be McMahon's offspring. Oh, and McMahon nailed Melina. God, will this shit ever end?! The segment surprisingly ended with 'Stunners' on McMahon and Coach, and plenty of beer. Austin has the best job in the world.

- Holyfield was seen sparring.

- Non-title: John Cena defeated Carlito. My, how quickly they "cleaned up" that beer. 'STFU,' submission, no apple. That sux. Randy Orton made a post-match appearance to give Cena a chair-busting 'RKO' (and we got to see plenty of replays). That didn't suck.

- Todd Grisham caught up to Orton, who should've given that nerd a fucking 'RKO,' too. Instead, Orton just promised to win the WWE title.

- Boxing match: Matt Hardy and Holyfield (I guess) battled to a no-contest. Ring announcer was Michael Buffer. Ring girls were Torrie Wilson, Kristal Marshall and Michelle McCool. Head gear was on Hardy's head (for some reason, which was never explained). Holyfield was never put in the position of a heel and dominated the only round of action (for obvious reasons). Hardy came into the second round as if he'd been in a twelve-round war, so Holyfield didn't see the need to continue. MVP got pissed at, then "knocked out" by, Holyfield. Hardy and Holyfield embraced, as doctors tended to MVP. Holyfield was good in his role, but the booking was sloppy (not overwhelmingly so), and this sure made pro wrestlers look like pussies.

- CM Punk & The Boogeyman defeated John Morrison & Big-Daddy-V (accompanied by Matt Striker). Not much to it, with Punk using a small-package to pin Morrison. What a shitty choice for a main event (made even worse by the abrupt ending, which occurred immediately after the bell)! If Striker had been humiliated in some way (because that's always a good time), I might have actually cared.

Nothing could touch Finlay's match on SmackDown, but as an overall effort, this, to me, was probably WWE's best TV of the week (for whatever that's worth). 1 AM is too fucking late for my old ass to be up though (especially for this).