Tonight's Episode Of 'WWE RAW' Is In The Books

The lowdown from Madisong Square Gardens (sold out, to the tune of 16,827):

- Mr. McMahon went to the ring and addressed the roster, which he had summoned to ringside. McMahon was shocked to learn of his paternity suit, and claimed he didn't remember the woman or her name, but she wouldn't reveal the identity of his illegitimate child. Lots of chants of, "What?!," and, "Who's your Daddy?!," instead of the support McMahon thought he deserved from the fans. Stephanie McMahon made her "long-awaited" return, pissed off about her Dad thinking she only cared about his money, then informing her father that his son is on of his wrestlers. McMahon circled the ring, I guess, looking for a resemblance, then, before making his exit, went face-to-face with Mr. Kennedy and Mark Henry. This sucks. I mean, I'm no authority on paternity suits (or, for that matter, sex), but am pretty sure even the little details (for example, the identities of the plaintiff and offspring) are made crystal clear to the defendant. Gee, and the odds of said offspring working for McMahon must be, what, at least ten-to-one?

- We saw a video update on Bobby Lashley's condition, which focused mostly on his obtaining revenge on Kennedy, and not at all on injury specifics or how long he'd be out.

- Kennedy defeated The Sandman. I'd normally put over someone for interrupting Kennedy's pre-match spiel, but it ain't like Sandman's any less annoying. Jim Ross sold Kennedy as a superstar, which only made his in-ring work look that much worse. Kennedy quickly (thank God) hit a standing version of his 'Kenton Bomb' (as opposed to one from the top or second rope) and scored the pin.

- McMahon was still reeling from Stephanie's bombshell. Jonathan Coachman wanted to help McMahon find out the identity of his other child. Coach began with the age McMahon became sexually active, and, of course, he was almost a teenager. Oy, vey. Ric Flair suddenly entered the picture and began his trademark wooooooing. Oy, vey.

- According to a series of video packages (which began at this point, but continued to air throughout the evening), Randy Orton kix ass! Well, duh.

- Continuing the trend of William Regal's fascination with game shows, Regal (dressed as Simon Cowell) will later host 'WWE Idol.' JBL (as Darryl Hall) and Michael Cole (as John Oates) tried out. I give up on trying to recap the rest of the segment, which also included Maria, Ron Simmons and Santino Marella.

- Cryme Tyme autographed and sold Lillian Garcia's chair. A planted fan ended up paying one-thousand-dollars for it. A "Bow Wow" and a poor-man's Konnan were also spotted in the audience.

- Non-title: Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch defeated Cryme Tyme - DQ. JTG was illegally double-teamed, so Shad ended up hitting Murdoch with the above chair. Well, fortunately for Cryme Tyme, they're still undefeated on 'HEAT.'

- Snitsky easily defeated Robbie McAllister (pump-handle slam, pin), then leveled a post-match fustigation on Robbie and cousin Rory.

- McMahon spoke to Coachman about his goal of having sex in all fifty states. DNA testing could take, oh, weeks, so Coach wanted McMahon to tell him about each of his indiscretions, so Coach could have a general idea in time for 'Saturday Night's Main Event.' Cody Rhodes, well aware of his father's identity, suddenly entered the picture to hand a condom to McMahon. McMahon claimed he was going to sue Trojan, then it was Boogeyman's turn to make an appearance (while singing an old, sucky song). According to Coach, Boogey does appear to have McMahon's eyes.

- Todd Grisham hosted 'WWE Idol.' Judges were Regal, Maria and Mick Foley. Contestant were Jillian Hall, Nikolai Volkoff & The Iron Sheik (accompanied by Howard Finkel), Garcia, Marella and Simmons. The best part was Sheiky going off on Regal. Other than that, cheesy, predictable, and not worth mentioning.

- Rhodes defeated Charlie Haas (accompanied by Shelton Benjamin). No one gave a fuck, including me. Rhodes won with what may be the shittiest small-package in the sport's history. Rhodes didn't even take a post-match beating. When you need him, where's Orton?

- Jerry "The Peasant" Lawler ruined what was to be a touching ceremony, by refusing to crown King Booker. There were chants of, "Triple H," but he was only seen in video form, after being announced by Lawler as Booker's 'SummerSlam' opponent. Lawler tried to get rough, but our king was able to handle the rapscallion, who was felled by a mighty monitor shot (causing Lawler to blade, and Grisham to take Lawler's announcing spot). Tons of heat for this, with even Ross showing how jealous he is of the true king.

- John Cena & Umaga defeated Orton & Carlito. Before the bout, Orton vowed to become WWE champion. Do the smart thing, Cena, and forfeit, because Orton's the new sheriff in town. SSDD for Cena (ladies behind him, fellas having other ideas) and Orton (the opposite). Nice try, but I still hate New York City. Umaga, savage beast that he is, was sure easily soothed, patiently waiting for Cena's tag, then busting up Orton and Carlito, allowing Cena to hit Carlito with an 'FU,' then score the pin. Two words: Orton, baby.

- McMahon was still going on about past conquests, and Coachman wasn't quick enough to stop him, before Linda appeared and kicked him out of their home. I don't care, I'm still thinking about Orton as WWE champ.

Thank God for Orton (and, to a lesser extent, Carlito), or else this mighta been the longest two-hours of my life (and, in 2000, I was still sitting through episodes of 'WCW Monday Nitro'). Well, not really, but, off the top of my head, it seemed like the best comparison.