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Monday, August 20, 2007

Tonight's Episode Of 'WWE RAW' Is In The Books

The lowdown from Fayetteville, North Carolina's Crown Coliseum:

- Tazz was brought in to substitute for a "still-injured" Jerry Lawler. That would normally bother me, but since we're kicking off the show with Randy Orton, I've yet to even give it a second thought.

- Orton, nearly as proud of himself as I am of him, gave John Cena an opportunity to save himself some embarrassment by forfeiting the WWE title. Cena was a no-show (coward), but Mr. McMahon wasn't. McMahon's illegitimate child is apparently a boy, which, by my count, would be McMahon's first. McMahon seems to think his son's identity will be revealed on tonight's show. Sure, buddy. As McMahon had some choice words for Cena, Cena suddenly made his way to the ring. Orton decided to make an exit. Cena and McMahon don't seem to like one another. Cena, the fool, thinks he can beat Orton. McMahon thinks he may have "done" Cena's Mom. Cena slapped the piss out of McMahon, so McMahon joined Orton on the floor. McMahon told Cena he'd be facing Snitsky in tonight's main event. And here I thought McMahon was pissed. A little repetitive, at times, but still far better than any of McMahon's recent segments.

- Beth Phoenix & Melina defeated Candice Michelle & Mickie James. James is now wearing pants, which must really piss off Melina. Michelle has a new theme, if you care. Before the bout, William Regal announced, for 'SummerSlam', a tri-branded-women's-battle-royal (featuring Phoenix, Extreme Exposé, Cherry, Hall, Kristal Marshall, Maria, Maryse, Melina, Michelle McCool, James, Torrie Wilson and Victoria). Later in the evening, the winner goes on to challenge for Michelle's Women's title (although they never said when this was taking place). This didn't last long, and since I wasn't paying attention, I missed exactly what happened, but Melina appeared to end up with a bloody mouth and was pinned by Michelle's cradle. After the bout, James tossed the champ, Melina tossed James, then Phoenix tossed Melina. Sure seems as if Melina's in for another run as champ.

- Santino Marella barged into Regal's office and vowed to stop Maria's date with Ron Simmons. Regal ordered Marella not to get involved. Yeah, that'll work.

- King Booker and Queen Sharmell invited Triple H, saying they knew he was in the building, to get a close-up look at tonight's official crowning.

- McMahon rambled and Jonathan Coachman listened. They ran into Val Venis, Daivari and Mr. Kennedy, all of whom, were being paid to just stand around. McMahon's disappointed in Shane. Isn't everyone?

- This week, Cody Rhodes got to defeat Shelton Benjamin, and even Benjamin couldn't carry this doufus. It's nice to be the son of a (fat) booker. It was sold as another upset, with Rhodes using a victory roll to score the pin. Well, at least Rhodes got a (deserved) post-match ass-kicking.

- Next Monday: 'RAW' airs live (9 PM ET) on Sci Fi.

- Non-title: Paul London & Brian Kendrick defeated Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch. No one cared (I personally blame Cade & Murdoch), until Cryme Tyme appeared (right after London & Kendrick hit a pair of killer planchas, almost literally in Kendrick's case) and auctioned off Murdoch's cap for only two-dollars. The distraction allowed Kendrick to catch Cade in a crucifix and score the pin.

- Our King and Queen were seen heading to the ring.

- Simmons and Maria were "coincidentally" joined on their date by Marella and Jillian Hall. There's an Italian saying, which perfectly fits this scenario: Oy, vey.

- Booker and Sharmell had "HHH" (it was actually Chris Hamrick in disguise, and the audience, which already didn't care about much else, pretty much completely gave up after the tease) crown the true king, then quickly dismissed him and Tazz, so they could humiliate Jim Ross. Now, that last part, that's some good TV, folks!

- Hall's signing, and a "waiter" read from a prepared statement, which went on about Marella's large genitalia. Kill me.

- Carlito invited Umaga to join him in his 'Cabana.' Carlito wanted a 'SummerSlam' shot at the Intercontinental title, but Kennedy had other ideas. Umaga destroyed Kennedy, then the set. Regal made Carlito and Kennedy wrestle, with the winner getting "Umanga" on Sunday.

- Carlito and Kennedy battled to a draw, based off of both men's shoulders being pinned to the mat. This was not pretty on so many levels. They weren't overwhelming, but throughout the match, there were various versions of "boring" chants. As much as I luv Carlito, neither of these guys had a clue on how to get the people into their match, causing time to practically stand still. Inexperience and having to carry the semifinal position does not make for a winning combination. The finish only made matters that much worse. Regal decided Umaga, Carlito and Kennedy would face each other in a 'Triple-Threat Match.' How convenient (and stupid).

- Simmons tipped the "waiter," causing food to go all over Marella. My board-game pun sucked, but was way better than this segment.

- McMahon tried to make nice with Melina, but Snitksy's appearance ruined the mood.

- Non-title: Cena defeated Snitsky (so, he's still "undefeated") - DQ. Orton's interference caused the decision. Cena took a couple of 'RKOs' and Orton closed the show by staring at what had better be in his immediate future (the WWE title).

At best, boring and flat At worst, ugh and then some. This product desperately needs a shot in the arm, and this "illegitimate child" shit ain't doin' it for me.