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Monday, September 17, 2007

Tonight's Episode Of 'WWE RAW' Is In The Books

The lowdown from Nashville, Tennessee's Sommet Center:

- John Cena, feeling "fabulous" (I get it), thanked his decrepit father (for making him proud), Randy Orton (for being stupid), and Jonathan Coachman (for giving Orton a rematch at 'No Mercy'). Let's see if Cena's so happy on October 8. Cena was rambling on and on, so Coach finally interrupted him and made my evening by saying he'd signed Orton to face the older, balder, fatter Cena (because Sr. was desperate enough to do anything it took to save his son's title). Life is good!

- Intercontinental title: Jeff Hardy defeated Shelton Benjamin. Not bad, but no reason for me to care, so I didn't pay complete attention. Remember when Benjamin was cool? Well, neither do I, but he was on his way there. 'Swanton Bomb' pin. In a classy move and possibly another sign of maturity (ie: haircut), Hardy gave his sleeve (or whatever the fuck you'd call it) to an excited youngster.

- This year's Diva Search seems to feature scantily clad women. Tonight: Naomi, we hardly knew ye. Tomorrow (on wwe.com): Diva limbo.

- Coachman joined Mr. McMahon and Hornswoggle in the back of a limo. The plan is set (whatever that means). Highlights featured Hornswoggle eating Lucky Charms and strapped in a car seat. See, this is never gonna get old.

- Cena tried to talk his Dad out of facing Orton, but that kick must've really fucked up the old man, because he refused to back out.

- Santino Marella tried to reach Maria, but she sent Jillian Hall to the door. Here's what I picked up from the segment: Chicks dig Steve Austin and 'The Condemned.' Everyone and their Mom (well, in Marella's case, their weird uncle) is going to make fun of Britney Spears, and I never again wanna hear Marella talk about masturbating.

- Hornswoggle separated himself from McMahon and Coachman, had McMahon's office made up in an Irish motif (including a "unicorn"), then fled from Coach.

- Tomorrow night's main event: The Boogeyman vs. Big-Daddy-V.

- Flag match: Jim Duggan (America) defeated Daivari (Iran). This wasn't much better than the last few segments, so my mind kind of wandered. Duggan may or may not (I don't care) have injured himself in retrieving the American flag. Daivari's physique continues to shrink, but not nearly at the rate it grew.

- Cody Rhodes wanted to take that idiot's place, but Coachman denied the request. Cena entered the picture and demanded said match be canceled Coach said Cena could control his Dad's fate. If Cena wins his upcoming match, his Dad is free. We all know, that ain't gonna happen.

- McMahon went to the ring, where he was joined by his other disappointing offspring, although as with Shane, McMahon acted proud to see the little twit. Ed and Alice Koskey (I get it) attempted to adopt Hornswoggle, but Horny attacked the couple and foiled McMahon's plan. After McMahon told his "child" to get away from him, Triple-H (speaking of annoying relatives) revealed himself to be the office-decorating culprit and made a bunch of crummy jokes (pretty difficult in this environment, but he somehow pulled it off), which the crowd ate up. After tiring of those antics, McMahon introduced HHH's opponents, who were Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch. What in the fuck has happened to the past thirty-minutes of this show?! Actually, what in the fuck has happened to this product?! Scratch that, what in the fuck has happened to the world?! When did this become funny?

- Handicap match: HHH defeated Cade & Murdoch. Cade was spinebusted and pinned. Carlito decided to get an up-close-and-personal look at the action, and later join Cade and Murdoch in a post-match attack, but Paul London and Brian Kendrick made the save. "Stone Cold" gave the kids a further rub by hitting each of them with a 'Pedigree.' What a guy!

- Hall & Melina defeated Candice Michelle & Mickie James. James' new hair color and style sure looks familiar ... Anyway, Michelle hit Hall with the 'Candywrapper,' then scored the pin. Beth Phoenix was at ringside, and just stood and stoically watched the bout, until presenting a victorious Michelle with the Women's title. I'm very impressed with the progression of Phoenix' persona (and her theme music rocks).

- More promoting of 'The Condemend,' which is coincidentally hitting store shelves on Tuesday. Remember, chicks dig it!

- McMahon and Coachman thought they'd rid themselves of Hornswoggle, but he was actually hiding in the trunk of McMahon's limo, which left the building. Coach is getting married, I guess. Good for him. I'm guessing there will be a lot of drinking among members of WWE's creative team.

- Next Monday's main event: Cage match - HHH vs. Carlito.

- Cena defeated Marella - DQ. The match was barely underway, when Orton attacked, prompting the decision. Orton and Marella then handcuffed Cena to the bottom rope, and Coachman revealed how he'd forgotten pinfall or submission stips applied to Cena's victory (meaning Cena hadn't saved his Dad). Awwwwwwww.

- Orton defeated Mummy - DQ. Orton was just getting started (hell of a sell-job by the Mumster, by the way), when Rhodes' interference prompted the decision. That's okay, because Rhodes and the old man still took a beating. Cena ended up unscrewing one of the turnbuckles, but was too late to save Sr. from an 'RKO.' Yay, son! The program ended with a Cena-Orton staredown, serenaded by a lovely chant of, "You can't wrestle!," which couldn't have been aimed at Orton.

I can excuse the lack of wrestling and logic, but not the abundance of "humor," nor the lack of Orton punting old men.