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Thursday, May 1, 2008

Casey’s Old Country Corner Presents: Old Country History For May 1, 2008-05-01

Courtesy of ... Well, if you don't know by now, you've obviously not been paying enough attention:

Yes, the return that nobody has asked for, at least not in quite a long time, is upon you.

You might be wondering why it took so long for the old country corner to make its return. Well, the vast old country news and historical archives were stored in a house I had rented down in Georgia. I thought I took them with me when I left the place but apparently I forgot them. Sadly, I think I might have left another box or 2 behind in that house but I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

Anyway, if you’re new to the corner this is where I look at actual historical wrestling moments that took place in the very same old country that brought you humbling.

All of the following are true accounts, only the names, places, times, dates and actual events have been changed but rest assured every occurance of words like: of, the, it, is, or, and but and doorbell are 100% accurate.

Anyway, on with the news…

In May 2938 (some history just hasn’t happened yet) the wrestling company Total Nonstop Gimmicks hosted the first ever Ironman cage match. The object was most escapes from the cage in an hour won the match. Unfortunately, the first escapes from the cage were in the opening 30 seconds of the match and neither man re-entered the cage resulting in 59:30 of standing around before the match was called a draw.

In a non-wrestling historical note, 2938 is the Chinese year of the Ipod.

On May 1 for the year 1.2*3/4 = 5X+8 solve for X, Old Country Wrestling Icon Bruiser the Dick made his return to action after serving 6 months in jail. In his last match prior to going to prison, Bruiser the Dick had violated several old country animal laws when he took the animal in the corner of his opponent Zoomaster D. Bader and gave him a vicious thrashing. I don’t think I need to tell you what kind of animal was in Zoomaster’s cornerthat but yes, Bruiser the Dick got 6 months hard time for spanking the monkey. Little is known about his return to the ring, we don’t know the opponent or the time of the match. However, live accounts said that Bruiser the Dick worked stiff and considering it was his first match in 6 months, he rose to the challenge.

In May of 1634 Part II: The first ever masked match took place. Ugly Bob Ugla took on Hairy Harry Hare in a bout where the loser was bound by law to wear a mask both in and out of the ring. The crowd at ringside took it upon themselves to gang rush both men, tie them up and declare them both to be the losers requiring both to be masked.

In May 1775 Mike Adam Lee a new broadcaster for the Extreme Commentary Wrestling Promotion uttered this famous quote when someone accused him of not knowing the difference between a wristlock and a wrist watch. “I know the difference, a wristlock is something you’ll never see in ECW.”

Lastly, in the year 2510 the Stanford Sports and Entertainment Federation suspended 10 wrestlers for not violating the company Wellness policy.

Well there you have it, some definitely true falsehoods from the historical archives of the Old Country. I’ve got page upon single page of document to search through for more Old Country Wrestling Historical nuggets, so there is no telling when this feature will return but just like the Ultimate Warrior this will be back whether you want it to be or not.