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Monday, August 6, 2007

Tonight's Episode Of 'WWE RAW' Is In The Books

The lowdown from Buffalo, New York's HSBC Arena:

- Earlier tonight, Mr. McMahon (with a little more hair and size) arrived and was greeted by Jonathan Coachman. McMahon told Coach to gather all of the contracted talent and send them to the ring, because he planned on exercising his right to freedom of expression. Mr. McMahon, I luv ya, and it's still early, but it seems we've been here and done that.

- RAW's talent (in some cases, I loosely use that word) hit the ring, and were soon followed by McMahon (who stayed on the ramp). McMahon facetiously made mention, and aired footage, of the exploding limo, saying he staged his own death to see if people still cared (which was going to be the angle's original direction). McMahon claimed people's support was overwhelming, because he's basically a great man. McMahon said tonight wasn't about that, but, instead, about addressing Congress, the hypocrisy of the media, and even members of his immediate family. McMahon initially got a big pop, but by this point, no one was taking him seriously, and were repeatedly hitting him with chants of, "What?!" Coachman arrived late, but just in time for McMahon to notify us of the battle royal which was about to take place. The winner of which becomes RAW's new GM. So far, this is just like every other episode of WWE programming.

- Too much to call, so I'll just stick to the "highlights." King Booker was eliminated by The Sandman, because Book was too busy worrying about Jerry Lawler, who was still in the broadcast booth. Shouldn't Lawler have been in the ring? Speaking of question, where were Randy Orton and John Cena)? It came down to Shelton Benjamin, Carlito and Sandman (or so we were led to believe). As Benjamin and Carlito (both of whom had already gone over the top rope), Sandman ended up ousting both of them, which actually earned quite the pop. Instead of running with something unique, we once again got the same ol', same ol,' with William Regal (after feigning an earlier ankle injury) coming back into the ring and eliminating Sandman. This sure seemed like a waste of time.

- Coachman complained about being ousted by Regal. McMahon was too busy taking shots at the two Congressional committees taking aim at WWE (comparing them to Barney Fife, because no one watching, let alone, in charge, has enough time to worry such trivial things as about dying "entertainers"). McMahon seemed to think Benjamin Franklin was a president (so did I), but Coach corrected him. McMahon assured Coach he still had a job, but it's as Regal's assistant. Ugh.

- Some guy is coming back at 'SummerSlam.' King Booker didn't seem to be happy about that, nor about the insubordinate behavior of Jerome Lawler. Next week (in MSG), the winner of Booker-Lawler must officially crown the winner.

- Snitsky (or what's left of him) fustigated Rory McAllister (accompanied by Robbie). Pump-handle slam, pin.

- McMahon was talking to some idiot, when Coachman said McMahon's accountant was on the cell phone. The IRS is investigating McMahon, but he has grapefruit-sized balls, so he's not worried. McMahon used this segment to take shots at the media, saying they'd distort the story to entertain (there's that word again) their audience, just like WWE. Well, he's right, but this ain't the time or place. In the background, Mike Rotunda's father was seated in a chair, dressed in his son's old "Irwin R. Schyster" attire.

- Jillian Hall defeated Mickie James. Funny how James' changing body coincides with her lack of push. Still, I'm sure it's nothing for Congress (or anyone else) to worry about. Hall locked in a full nelson, dropped James on her face, then scored the pin. Before the bout, Hall came to the ring, got Lilian Garcia to plug her upcoming album, then "sang," so James could interrupt her. Business as usual, folks, in case you hadn't already figured that out, folks.

- Fresh from a shower (though his hair wasn't wet), Regal ordered Coachman to round up a set, some contestants (for his rendition of "The Dating Game"), and some tea. Yeah, great.

- Carlito's Cabana: I noticed some Orton and Carlito fans were in the house. Cena, who took the (ahem) unique and humorous approach on interviewing himself, seems to suck, in the eyes of some. Cena's back to being "edgy," saying he was pissed off (which was bleeped, I guess, to make it seem more antiestablishment), talking about bananas and nuts, then attacking Carlito. Orton tried to make the save, but Cena chased him from the ring, then gave an 'FU' to Carlito. Regal made his presence felt, saying Orton and Carlito would have to decide which of them would be facing Cena in tonight's main event.

- Booker and Queen Sharmell were seen heading toward the ring.

- We got out first commercial (I think) for the latest edition of 'Saturday Night's Main Event,' which airs on August 18.

- Once in Regal's office, Orton and Carlito decided Umaga should face Cena. Regal agreed, then McMahon bent Regal's ear about how his family didn't care when McMahon was supposed to be dead. McMahon rambled on, but I'm not really sure what he said. It was something about wanting to regain his family by being good.

- Booker defeated Lawler. Lots of punching (and too long, as the crowd was turning on it), but Sharmell finally and mercifully distracted Lawler, allowing Booker to hit a scissors-kick and score the pin. Couldn't they have done this a week ago?

- Mr. Kennedy was seen heading toward the ring.

- As Jim Ross wished the best for Bobby Lashley (his surgery's still set for tomorrow), Kennedy came to the ring and said stuff. Whatever it was, these people seemed to like it. Well, that's Buffalo for ya. Luckily for me, a commercial interrupted this shit.

- Orton and Carlito were seen motivating Umaga.

- WWE's 'Dating Game' consisted of Maria choosing between bachelors Jim Duggan (with his "massive piece of wood," and as in the battle royal, he was over, because he's from upstate New York), Ron Simmons and Santino Marella (sporting a sling on his arm, courtesy of one of the weekend's house shows). I'm not even getting into how cheesy this was. To make a long (fat, bald) story short, Maria didn't recognize Marella's voice and chose Simmons. Marella was pissed (not as pissed as those chanting, "We want wrestling"), but before anything could really happen, Umaga was eventually sent out to keep me awake, and everyone (except Regal) fled the area.

- Someone tried to serve a summons to McMahon, but he wasn't in, so Coachman signed for it. Coach immediately went to find the chairman.

- Cena (continuing to make friends and influence people) defeated Umaga - DQ. Both guys worked hard, but the same can't be said for whomever came up with the finish, since it saw Cena lock in an 'STFU,' causing Orton and Carlito interfere, prompting the decision. Umaga didn't seem to like this, so he turned on them. Regal then said, in next week's main event, Cena and "Umanga" would team to face Orton and Carlito. Cena recovered and chased after Orton, as Umaga stalked Carlito.

- They parodied the limo angle, right down to Paul London's smiling as McMahon walked down the hall. Just before McMahon closed the door, Coachman informed McMahon about the summons, which was a paternity suit from Connecticut, so there's apparently a(nother, if you count Shane) illegitimate McMahon out there.

As with the majority of the company's recent promises, this was quite the letdown, but at least they're consistent. Even on paper, Stevie Wonder coulda seen this was going to be a terrible show. They weren't very audible, but at various points in the evening, someone (or multiple someones) could be heard chanting (among other things), "Boring." I couldn't have said it any better. I'm actually thinking I shoulda watched ABC's 'Fat March,' then went to bed.